50 questions

Living together and sexual relations before marriage?

Physical relationship is a privileged aspect of love. We are all aware of its importance. First of all, because sexual attraction seems to be engraved in us. It is part of God’s plan to bless the union of man and woman (Genesis 1:2). Secondly, it is a very special part of the relationship in which the spouses give themselves joyfully to one another and through which they may have a child

The world today trivializes sexual relations as if they were merely a physical act. However, we need to understand that a sexual act involves the whole person. Civil law, for instance, considers rape to be not only a physical attack, but an attack against human dignity and against the integrity of the person. Indeed, a man and a woman become deeply involved when they unite in a sexual act.

Moreover, a physical relationship soon leads to living together. It then becomes more difficult to reassess the choice and if need be to break up the relationship. This is how personal freedom can actually become enslaved. Of course, it is not always easy to know whether we truly love someone, or whether we are giving ourselves out of fear of losing him or her, or simply because everyone else does it. Though, can we really say that we are free when we are controlled by our instincts, our fears or our emotions?

We often hear that having sexual relations before marriage is a way of getting to know each other better. This is a misconception! Very often, sex takes away from real affection and deep communication. Body language ends up replacing dialogue. Moreover, the sexual harmony of a couple depends on the quality of their love for one another, and not on how they get along physically.

To give one’s body is to give one’s self. That means something! And a gift is not a loan. If what we live is at odds with our deepest choices, then we are not living in the truth: Is it right to give my body when I have not given myself? The truth is that a physical union can only have true meaning if it reflects a personal gift of oneself, a gift that is lasting and definite. This gift is marriage.

Even if it does not conform to today’s fashion, we can make the decision to remain chaste, to keep ourselves whole for the one whom we will marry one day. Chastity is synonymous with a love that wants to give itself totally and respectfully to the other. It is a decision that we can make at whatever stage we are at in our lives. If we have had sexual relations in the past, this should not prevent us from making that choice. Chastity is a road to freedom.